My Fight To Win The Person, Not the Argument

I was never Conflict Avoidant

Conflict is one of those things that I try my best to avoid. This is not because I’m scared, but because I’m scared for the other person 😂. I can become tempted to drop crafted word daggers that’ll drop my opponent back into their seats.  On my worst days, when I was done talking, I would put on my boxing gloves and just plain ol’ fight! You can ask Paul 😅. Related: My Marriage Was Like Hell

See, when I was little, one of the things I wanted to be was a lawyer. I still find joy in constructing and deconstructing arguments based on logic, facts, common sense, Biblical understanding, and sometimes just sheer conviction. That quality can be of good service, but when it is self-serving, I’ve found myself presenting a theoretical PowerPoint presentation with a title slide of:

“Have a Seat Please: 10 Common Sense Reasons Why Kierra is Right”

Hard Conversations Were my boxing ring

I’ve always been willing to endure hard conversations. I can see the faces of those I sat across the table from in conversations to resolve conflict. And I can hear the voices from the phone of the few friends and family members with whom my relationship was broken. 

I truly want to be at peace with those in my life. And I consider myself “right” when my actions and thoughts are backed by God’s Word. However, I realized that the way I was approaching it, despite my conviction that I was right about the problem, was all wrong for a person striving to be more like Christ. 

I can’t deny that I wanted God’s will to be done. And I can’t deny that I wanted to be at peace with the person on the other end. I wanted reconciliation, to be understood, and for my presentation to be seen and judgments rendered in my favor. 

My Peace Can Not Come From Being Understood

I thought that my peace was connected to the other person realizing the ways that I was indeed right. 

And guess what? There are many situations where I still believe that I was right. It would have been easier for me to learn that I was wrong. Humbling yourself when you are wrong is to be expected; humbling yourself when you are right requires a great measure of humility. 

One particular conversation comes to mind. 

One of my sisters and I were having trouble reaching a point of reconciliation. We hashed it out, but at one point of the conversation,  I felt that I was trying to understand her, and she simultaneously tried to get me to understand her too. I felt like the conversation was not balanced, and I did more apologizing and trying, even though I was still firm in my position. She didn’t fully understand me, and yet I chose to move forward with forgiveness and reconciliation.

I regretted that decision, and I became so frustrated with the outcome that later I wanted to revisit the conversation to tally up what she apologized for and what I apologized for, and to note that this was unbalanced. But the Lord convicted me. He stopped me in my tracks, and that was the day I stopped trying to win arguments.

The feeling of imbalance I had was just where He wanted me. He wanted me to assume the low posture of denying and humbling myself and saying, “I’m sorry”  more than I say “I accept your apology.” 

we are called to be like christ

In conflict, I am to take on the mind of Christ, deny my right defenses, and prove the Word and love of God by my words and actions. I am not to use my words to prove myself, but to show Christ. My job is to help the other person reach peace. My job is to lead them to a place of rest where they can be restored, seen, and heard. My job is to make sure that the other person does not find themselves in the prison of unforgiveness because of me.

I’m not saying that I condone wrong, or that I am to become a doormat. I will always go to bat for the truth according to the word of God, and I will set and enforce healthy boundaries when necessary. I am referring to offenses, differences in views and opinions, and interpretations that can easily trip us up. 

When I become like Christ, I continually step outside of my own shoes and try to view things from the other person’s perspective with compassion and not judgment. What events, beliefs, or trauma in their life caused them to interpret my actions or words as harmful? 

My goal is not to win the argument, but to win the person back to God, releasing them  from offense against me,  and into forgiveness and freedom.

That is my job, not to win an argument but to win the person. 

This is what 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us about love:

When we look at the word account, it is translated from the Greek word logizomai. 

Logizomai is a Greek verb meaning “to reckon, count, compute, or calculate,” which extends metaphorically to “take into account, impute, or consider” when assessing something, often with a sense of deliberating or weighing reasons. It also conveys inward reasoning—“weighing thoughts, judging, determining, or deciding” based on reasoning – (Chat GPT compiled definition sourced from BibleStudyTools) 

Let’s break it down

The first time I worked with an accountant, I had made a mess of the money in my business, I had received payments from various clients, and I had paid individuals as well. It was a good problem to have, but not close to the tax deadline. My accountant requested all sorts of records and documentation to deliberate; she helped me to make sense of my business expenses, and she decided the proper strategy for filing my taxes. After working with her, I was clear on my bottom line.

When we hire an accountant, we are expecting them to count, compute, and calculate all of our money, and to do so accurately. I would say that the primary reason we seek out an accountant is for their accuracy and ability to deliberate and determine what we could or should do with our finances. 

If we allow it, our flesh can become an accountant for offenses. It can reckon, count, compute, calculate, deliberate, and consider accurately wrongs done against us. The keyword I want you to watch for is accurate. 1 Corinthians 13:5 teaches us that we can surely be accurate and correct about wrongs against us, but love throws away such receipts.

Jesus Is always right, but Not me

Trust me, if I had written the Bible, I wouldn’t have written it like this; this is why I have to constantly die to myself and put on the mind of Christ. 

I ask myself, ” Was Jesus ever wrong?” No. 

He never sinned, yet he was accused. Nor did he sin because he was accused.

He suffered a criminal’s death, yet never did a single thing wrong. 

Yet while enduring the agony of the crucifixion and a punishment he could never deserve, he pleaded, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.”

Related: Forgive Everything: How to Forgive the Deepest Hurts

If Jesus can do that, then surely I can lay my defenses down when I have been wrong a million times before. Because even when I’m right, there is still a chance that I’m wrong about something.

Side Note: What About Me?

I’m sure you are thinking, “Now, Kierra, that sounds wonderful and all, but what about me?If I am truly right, then what about justice?”

We have to trust that the Lord will uphold us with His right hand, and that He will fight valiantly for us, and if any vengeance is to be had, it belongs to him.

• The Lord upholds us with His right hand
  Isaiah 41:10 — “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
• The Lord fights for us
  Exodus 14:14 — “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”
  Deuteronomy 20:4 — “For the Lord your God is He who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.”
• Vengeance belongs to the Lord
  Romans 12:19 — “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

When its all said and done

Friend, I want you to be confident that He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. I was tested three times with this message that I wrote to you. I failed more than I succeeded, but when I finally yielded, I changed in a way that I never thought possible. Now with every temptation to fight for myself, I renounce pride and self-righteousness, and I put on the mind of Christ, for love is not boastful and seeks not its own path. I strive to become selfless like Christ, and I seek to mimic him in only defending the Word and will of His Father. 

What’s truly right will never change. Therefore, I lay down my boxing gloves, and I pick up my cross, and this all with the hopes of winning my brothers and sisters back to the heart of God.